I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
