he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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