she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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