My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I think pants incapable of making pants work
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
