how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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