answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
