I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
