I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
