I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
