Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
