So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
