my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
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