My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
