I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Randomize
