So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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