I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
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