Is it normal to miss your booty call?
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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