How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I stole a fireplace last night.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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