The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
