o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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