I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
