cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I puked a lego.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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