why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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