in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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