The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
