Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
