I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
