Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
