I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
