Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
