Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
