I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
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It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
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our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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