he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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