Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
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