someone threw a dead crab at me
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
