dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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