If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Randomize
