Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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