Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
