Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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