I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
