How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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