i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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