i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
