last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
A bitchslap is in order.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
