He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
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I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
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He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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