And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Randomize
