Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
