I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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