The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
