I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
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