I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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