i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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