I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
