i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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