hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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