My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
