Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
