The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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