Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
You took a bar mat shot.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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