They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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