I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Everyone says I win the strip club
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Randomize
